The Christmas carols play repeatedly in my ears like a broken record.
And although I do not celebrate Christmas as a Chrsitian,
I celebrate it as a holiday,a time for me to spend with my loved ones,the friends who truly celebrate Christmas and what is REALLY is all about.

For years now,I have exchanged gifts,partied all night-SAMBO )':- and woken up to the exchange of Christmas presents and the warm fuzziness in my heart.
I have memorised most,if not all Christmas Carols, thanks to the training during me and Nicole's choir stint with The Malaysian Philharmonic Orchestra.
I still have the score Cole! (:
Bounded in black card and as thick as a text book,a little dusty perhaps but still in rather good condition.
I dusted off the dust bunnies that have made home in my cupboard and sang a little today.

I coulda swore the smell of doughnuts&croissonts wafted in the air.

Jo,Cole (': good times girls.

And still I wonder what Christmas is all about,to non-Christians.
A sheer excuse to splurge for presents?
TURKEY?
candy canes? an excuse to party?

I have been religiously reading my cousin, Jehan's blog and late in the night, to satisfy my boredem I often blog hop.
Yes I haven't been talking to my friends alot.
Today I decided to blog hop HER friends.

So I clicked on a link and waited impatiently for the page to pixelise as I searched for dit under my fingernails.

At the top right hand corner of her blog,just below her header, she had a black and white photograph of a girl.
With words underneath :

IN LOVING MEMORY.

what?
My heart skipped a beat, Could this be some kind of sick funny joke?
Two dates seperated by a - , the first,an obvious guess, her birth date but...
the next?

It was dated 191008.

19th of October 2008.

She was only 20.

My heart quickened pace as I hurriedly clicked my mouse to the archives of the month of October.
Scrolling down for a post that would give me some sort of answer.
A photography student perhaps, was the owner?
Her blog full of proffesional looking snaps.
Still I wait for the page to be fully loaded. FINALLY.
I scroll,scroll.
Scroll.

I find them.
The relevant posts.
The first one that caught my eye, I did not catch the first few sentences too clearly.
Just excerpts of the post.

AL-FATIHAH...
rest in peace...

the next one..
a staement on how grieved she felt.
Her best friend I infer,or maybe a close friend.
Just died.
She didn;t come back to Malaysia to see her.
So convinced that her friend was doing fine with the treatment.
Treatment.

I knew the word that came next.
Though not mentioned in the entire blog, I knew the six letter word that ate me up just thinking about it.
Cancer.
I felt queesy and almost like no this stuff DOESN'T HAPPEN.

The girl was 20 and so strong.
Her blog, her posts where she went about with life as noramlly as possible.
She did however leave out a little clue, she was a Lance Armstrong fanatic (: that kinda gave it off.
But her posts,soooo Malaysian and happy mostly.
She was so strong.
Her weight loss,treatment,sickness,pain...
She endured it all with her head held high.
Yes she did say she was in pian,but never complain.
More like a statement to update the world on how she battles it.

So me being,well me, believing in all this fate,destiny mumbo jumbo...
I trust that THIS is the Universes Christmas present to me.
That one should live life with no regrets.
With no one to blame and no anger vented up inside.

To look on the brighter side.
(after a very very excruciating transfer of blood through a GINARMOUS syringe,where she cried and screamed for a good 15 minuted or so, she marvelled over the fact that she got a SLURPEE after!)
To appreciate and be thankfull for the best&the worst.

I guess this year hasn't been a bed of roses for everyone.
What with it being close to recession and all.
Emotional,physical doodelas and whatnots.
But I guess sometimes we just have to find that rainbow in the storm.
And all those broken bridges we've made,after bouts and bouts of procrastination,it will still be fixed if it was meant to be fixed.
To those who truly care.
One step at a time.

I pray it will.

I am still looking for my rainbow,or my silver lining in the cloud.
I haven't found it but I am not giving up.
It will come,not today or tomorrow or the next.
But it will.

I know it.






I don't know you but thank you for giving me the strength.
I pray for your well being and trust that you are in a better place.
You have inspired me.
This is the best Christmas Gift of all.
Thank you. For making a difference.

Her last post was dated on the 18th of Sept 08.
She passed away in october on the 19th.


Al-Fatihah.