Oh,where did you go?

I roll out of bed tired but eager.

Eager to start the day or to get it done with,I'm not sure.

But I rub the crusty sleep out of my eyes and trot on my tippy toes to the bathroom sink.

I don't think I can do with the extravagance of a limo picking me up everyday,but I would actually not mind a driver.

My past transporter had been somewhat of a money sucker but since most transports don't really lean towards picking up in my area I stood by that one.

Late last year I found one-my current transport-and passed it to my mom.

Turns out we've been paying about quadriple the amount to the old one.

Damn.

The only downside to this years transport is that I wake EVERYDAY and the Godforsaken hour of 5.30am.

(More so I roll around till six,but if I got up at six I would REALLY actually get up at 6.30)

So that includes me rushing to shower 5 minutes prior to him-my transport- reaching.

I long for the days I had a comfort of a driver but somehow my family has always gotten the rotten luck of a bad,irresponsible driver. (Though blessed with an amazing Kakak,who has been with me since I was 7) And now my parents give me the excuse that they'd need to buy a new car if the driver came along as none of them are willing to give up their cars.

So they await the day I finally drive.-How honestly thoughtful!-

Though I must say I do sort of enjoy the quiet of the transport.

Following the as said transport include a pair of twins,a chinese boy and chinese girl. All form three. A form four girl whom I have sort of befriended since she is the only one who talks,sometimes. And a lone other FormFive boy who apparently is of mixed parentage as well-though he doesn't look like it,but that totally is besides the point.-

Mornings are usually started with me greeting him and him grunting politely-it is sort of possible,isn't it?- and the rest of the journey left bumping,nodding in silence. It's too dark to read my book so I usually,hum and sing-sometimes I even remember some chinese songs that have been playing on repeat on the radio-and pray I don't fall asleep on someones shoulder.

Which I have,just so you know.Many times before.

Since only the other FormFive boy-let's call him J- is the only one who stays in my area.

Both of us sit behind with the FormThree Chinese girl.

The little cute old uncle who is our transporter drives only second to that guy whose name escapes my mind as of now. That guy from TopGear,what do we call him? The Stig. right him.

He speeds through speed bumps leaving us half flying.

And makes impossibly sharp turns. Sometimes I forget he's a cute little old uncle and think he's some kind of mad automobile test driver-which in my defense I LIKE-but not in an uncomfortable Avanza. Which is very uncomfortable, I might add.

the journey home adjourns with me reading The Time Travellers Wife. I have yet to put down that book, simply because I have no time to finish it just yet. I am left engrossed in my own thoughts of babymaking and Henry and Kimy and The Meodowlark house, I almost forget that my bag is placed between me and J,leaving him very little space to sit comfortably in,let alone breathe. Embarrassed, I mutter a small sorry and inch closer to the window,where he nods to say thanks. Usually we look and each other and share an awkward but yet totally fitting smile shared by two people who understand the moment of that moment. When Uncle makes gravity defying turns leaving us bumping into each other,grasping hand railings,bags,edges of windows and very seldomnly, each other at the tips and edges of our uniform so we don't make anymore semi awkward touches.

After that the ride is just usually silence. Me back to my book and him to his thoughts.

the sunlight leaves me tired and hungry and eventhough I never get sea,car,plane or -insert anything- sick,it leaves me a little dizzy and I put the book down. I look outside the window guessing peoples life stories and make vast assumptions that the old lady in the floral print batik shirt may actually have some dark past to hide. I pass dark coloured cars,buildings and I see my reflection,if only for a minute, sometimes I look tired but other times I see the longingness in my eyes to somehow break free of this cage I'm in.

What cage?

I'm in front of my house,I can hear my baby dog bark.

I whisper a quiet bye, and thank Uncle and gather my things to leave.

I could get used to this,right?

I love Carter Baizen and I don't care if ya'll don't!

I'm not dead if that is what everyones thinking.

But burried under all this work,sure feels like it. Sigh,

I stared long and unblinking for 15 whole minutes.

I wonder if things like this will ever settle.

Sometimes, I don't believe they do anymore

"I need to know, that you're with me"

Why is it so easy to flail out of control.

It's the second day of the second week and I feel so suffocated,

Sitting on the old benches in the RoyalSelangorClub's rest room waiting for Mae to be done with her hair. I kept thinking on how much I actually know about FormFour. Not very much if you wanted to guess.

I've been attempting to do my homework since but I feel a big chunk of myself undid, like a piece of me, the stitches left undone.

I feel as though the clock ticks three times as fast and everything is going, gone before I have firmly placed my grasp on it.

I've been blessed with responsibilities this year and unlike the last year, I do not plan to let anyone down.

I'm not a perfectionist but you could say that I am mostly afraid of the HUMILIATION failure brings, for I am not afraid of failure itself.

I miss the simplicity of sitting in the cabins, watching the sunrise while doing add math.

I miss the chee cheong fun in the canteen, the only thing I eat.

I miss feeling desolate in FormThree when I SHOULD BE paying attention.

I miss the prefects lounge, I used to belong there.

I miss the talks I used to have with "Daddy" Shaun LZQ on religion.

I miss falling asleep on Alex's lap during scouts camp.

I miss talking on the phone with Sophie.

I miss Kak Trina reading my mind.

I miss Callie's random texts.

I miss Nicole's HEHEHAHAHUHU in texts

I miss Ry's big eyes.

I miss Joyce's "I FEEL YOU"

How can you miss something that's right in front of you?

You can.

When you know soon enough, it's going to be taken away from you.

Dear Kesatria,

You have no idea what you have gotten yourselves into.

May I have mercy on your souls.

xoxo

I do not like when people perceive you to be shallow just because you don't post on whats in the papers.

I just choose not to.

dust

It's reasons like these that make me want to go.

I don't think I can stay another year mommy.

Think it's time that both of us let go of each other.

-Why do all good things come to an end?

Pretty cool stuff.

gaga for gingham

His old school charm melts me like a Popsicle on a summer day

I fall in love with the same things all over again

back to you.

Vincent and Nick are in Angsana???

Do Happy New Year presents exist?

Azzedine alaia,square neck.

Happy New Year to me,

Happy New Year to me,

Happy New Year to Daena,

Happy New Year to me!

Dear 2010,

I am currently in my hotel room in Penang,typing on my brother's newer but smaller version of my DELL laptop and struggling with the Caps Lock key since I'm not used to using it. That is because I use the shift key since mine came off (I'm a rough laptop user,SORRY)

I don't think I'll be able to update tomorrow so this will probably be my last of 2009.

I want to tell you about my journey this year.

Most people would agree that Form4/16 would be the turning point in life and I think I can agree to that.

You see I had previously made my mind up to become an ArtsStream student as I hold not much interest to science subjects.

I raised my hand when the teacher asked if any of us wanted to change streams.

I felt that it would be the right choice since,sitting in a classroom of nearly 40 brainiacs,almost all which had gotten straight A's in their PMR exam. I just felt,No this is not me.

And that night,a close guy friend of mine said the wisest words I had heard in ages.

"Stay Daena. Stay in PureScience because you have the potential to study. Being the bottom few in that class is better that not studying at all,"

I thought about it.

Reluctantly I agreed.

Many times (well only when exams were looming around the corner) I felt like a ass for staying in such a class.

Being the assistant monitor,I had to give out the slips for the PMR Prize Giving Ceremony to the entire class.

My eyes filled with tears.

Out of the entire class,less than 10 of us had gotten less than 7A's.

I felt like a failure as I handed out piece by piece,cheerfully calling out my classmates names and clapping in unison to the other students.

BUT,

being in this crazy class made me want to not appear as dumb as I appeared to be.

SO

I studied.

And,I got results.

Not even a quarter of most of my classmates but an amazement for me.

Meeting my class was such...

an amazing thing.

I know a boy who always comments that 4 Angsana is "THE BEST CLASS EVER"

I'm not sure if he's being courteous or he just REALLY hates his class.

But when anyone says that I feel pride and beam simply

"Yes I do"

2009 made me realize that I have 4 special girls in my life.

Who have watched me grow from Form One.

I have fought,cried,slapped,hugged,kissed each one of them.

A simple lunch at BonBons changed my perspective forever.

I have an enormous family.

And have been blessed with wedding after wedding.

Yes I complain of the run throughs,the fittings,the preperations...

But the beauty of it falling into place,makes up for all the hardships.

I have also just recently,been blessed with a baby nephew,and am getting used to being called AUNTY *shivers*

I have rekindled old friendships (HI ASYRAF! etc.) and made new ones (HI HUSI! etc.)

I have made a boy I never thought I would be able to,cry.

I have shishaed.

I got a puppy which is the love of my life.

I have gotten a ride back from a person I began to trust.

I wrote an email to my HighSchool IDOL *SOPH

I highlighted my hair!

I grew to love a certain Abangy whom will never show his love but I know very well does.

I have hurt and have been hurt.

LEO Leadership Camp.

Was an amazing experience.

I will never regret joining LEO.

2010,

2009 gave me the courage to take different steps in life.

It gave me the strength to endure and even to understand and appreciate friendships deeper.

I am not afraid to love the people I truly love but I know that I don't love everyone.

Eventhough I fight and disagree with her,

I love my cousins with my life.

I plan to make up with one I am having a rift with.

And I love my cousin,Kak Trina who has held my hand through life itself.

2010,

God has help me realize that money truly isn't everything.

You see I have wanted a SweetSixteen for a long time and imagined a lavish celebration with acrobats and a marquee and an ice sculpture of myself (or something along the liens of that)

When recession struck the world leaving my poor father to struggle whilst I threw an amazing bitch fit to show my anger.

But I then realized that maybe,I didn't need that.

Maybe I would live.

AND true enough I did.

This year I debated fro the first time and standing there shaking the wits out of myself,I somehow got BestSpeaker in the final round.

I auditioned for Dynamitez and made it through the auditions.

I wrote my first interschool drama script (which reminds me...)

I wrote another script for my schools BM WEEK

I performed once again,making it more than the 5th time I have performed in my school.

I somehow have also managed to survive 4 years of grueling teachers and homework.

I still remember the first day of school

BUT

I can't wait to step into my pinafore again.

2010,

I don't know what you have in store for me next year

Driving,SPM,Prom and all.

I hope I pass driving and don't hit any trees (like I almost did)

I hope to get straight A's for SPM

I don't have to get a prom date,but I want to have fun and be with the people I LOVE.

But please,

Let me soar.

Carpe Diem.

Thank you 2009,you have been.

Breathless

Things to get done.

1. Buy school shoes.
2. Headbands
3. Delete old songs from iPod
4. Sync Papa,Baby,and Mommy's iPod
5. Wax
6. Pack
7. WRITE DRAMA SCRIPT
8. WRITE OTHER DRAMA SCRIPT
9. Do AddMath/Chem homework
10. Crunches
11. Lay off dessert
12. Fix printer (so incapable of doing this)
13. Pass Letter to Ry+Abangy
14. Email Sophie
15. Remind Abang Ned on Javeline
16. Fix my STORM
17. Sell my STORM
18. Buy a WHITE BlackBerry ONYX
19. School bag?
20. Pencil box
21. Cut nails
22. Charge camera
23. Upload photos
24. Pee.
25. Sync my own iPod
26. Figure out how to conceal my highlights
27. Comb Pavlova's hair everyday
28. Get new transport
29. OR convince PAPA on getting a driver
30. Give Ry clothes for boutique
31. Eat Macau egg tarts :D
32. Persuade dearest cousin to make sure I don't have to pay her fling for the eggtarts
33. Pray
34. Did I mention pack

70% of these things will not even be done.

Lets start with number 24 now. (hehe!)

It's 3am and I'm tired and uninspired-mmmm song.

There was no make up or pretty dress.
No sweet alcoholic drinks.
No wild dancing.
No spray stuff.
No glow sticks-man okay I love those things.
No Santarina opportunities.

And I have two snoring-yes YOU BOTH SNORE-cousins beside me.
But you know what,I guess I'm happy (:

love you sluts.

Life is so fragile.

Yet we chew it up and spit it out like it bears no significance.

This does not actually help the fact that I love children.

"OHHHH I WANNA HAVE YOUR BABIES"

I have very protective friends.

I have a very protective friend who is stripping and prioritizing me over his shower :D

I am sleeping alone even after watching Paranormal Activity.

I SO POWER

So amazing